Be Honest About Your Own Toxic Behaviors

I am a horrible communicator. When something bothers me, I bottle it up and let it fester into resentment. If a friend asks if I'm mad at them (and I am), I tell them no and that "everything's fine" because I don't want to deal with conflict; I let angry feelings build up instead of simply relaying them in a healthy way. If I got into an argument with my ex, I wouldn't talk to him all day or respond to his texts. I also expected him to be able to read my mind during said arguments: "Well you said x so I obviously took that as my cue to y." I've ghosted several guys because I was bored with him and didn't want to deal with the conversation of "hey I'm just not feeling it", instead of being an adult and talking about it. I can have a victim mentality and don't take responsibility for my own actions, and instead blame others for why bad things happen to me.

It's important that we look at our own toxic behaviors so we can take action to change them. Some are harder to overcome than others, but it's better than being an asshole and having difficult relationships with everyone. If you find yourself cheating in every romantic partnership you've had, take a deeper look into why you struggle with loyalty. If you compulsively lie for no reason, ask yourself when that started. If you're like me and struggle to communicate, think about why you're afraid to bring up your feelings. Some of the reasons for all of these could be past traumas that caused unhealthy coping mechanisms, and this is where going to a therapist can help save you from constant fights with your boyfriend or girlfriend; spats with friends; and incessant family arguments.

I know I haven't shown up in the best way because of my poor communication skills. I'm sure the men I've ghosted didn't feel great about me not responding, just as I didn't feel great when I myself have been ghosted. How hard is it to send a text or speak to them over the phone and simply say, "Hey I've enjoyed your company but I'm not seeing any potential in partnership with you", or something along those lines. How many tears could I have saved myself in my last relationship if I had just told my then-boyfriend how I was feeling? To make it worse, again, I'd blame him for not "clearly" seeing that I was upset. How much of a better relationship could we have had if I just spoke my mind and put the issues on the table like an adult?

It can be more than uncomfortable to confront your own toxicity, but it's necessary if you want to experience personal growth. I know I want to have better relationships all around, and that takes me looking inward and being honest about how I've contributed to unhealthy patterns with friends, family, and men I've dated. If I truly want to see positive change in my life, it starts with me and my willingness to do so. We can't drive forward if our engines are clogged and backed up with gunk that we carry along and refuse to clean; start looking at your own unhealthy behaviors and make a plan to change them.

The first step is acknowledging what these behaviors are, then dissecting why they happen. It would be the best choice to see a therapist, but that's not always an option. Journal every day focusing on each toxic behavior you have by letting your consciousness flow onto the page, detailing every event where this behavior has surfaced. Does it come about when you're stressed? After an argument? When a certain phrase is said? Only in dating, friends, or with family? Look at each trigger and circumstance that causes this behavior to occur, and see where your journaling leads you. Once you have your "aha" moment, start doing the work to undo that behavior and replace it with a positive response. Instead of not communicating your feelings, for example, you could start say with your romantic partner and bring up something small that's been bothering you: "Hey I know you've been so stressed at work recently, but I'd appreciate it if you'd help around the apartment more. I feel like I'm usually the one doing all the household chores." Something small, but a big step to saying how you feel.

I encourage all of you to do this exercise going into the new year so we're off to a better start in relationships all around, especially the one we have with ourselves. It's not worth the strained family relationships, constant friend drama, and countless failed relationships. How much happiness could we find if we were honest with ourselves about how we had a hand in our own unhappiness? How much peace could we find simply by digging inward and cleaning out our engines?