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Crazy Shit That Happened in 16th Century England

  • Writer: Zoë Paris
    Zoë Paris
  • Sep 26, 2019
  • 3 min read

I've been watching hours of documentaries on England in the 16th century, and let me tell you—I am flabbergasted at this time period. For one you have King Henry VIII and that whole situation, then you have his daughters Mary I and Elizabeth I squabbling over the English throne (and Mary burned a bunch of Protestants at the stake, so there's that). I just wanted to make a fun little post detailing some of the major events during this time and place, because to me, everything that happened was royally dramatic.


So, Henry VIII. First there was Catherine of Aragon, whom he was married to for 20 years and had a daughter, Mary I. But then he met Anne Boleyn who was this educated, witty, feisty noble woman whom Henry thought could give him a son. But since he couldn't get a divorce in the Catholic faith, he decided to say fuck it and turn England Protestant so he could divorce Catherine and marry Anne, making his daughter Mary now a bastard. He wed Anne, and she gave birth to Elizabeth I—big disappointment to Henry who just told the Pope to basically fuck off so he could have a son and heir with this chick. Later on a miscarriage of a baby boy happens which really sets things off for Henry, and after a series of rumors involving Anne and other men, he decides to have her executed at the sword. Romantic, isn't it?


And yada yada Jane Seymour is selected as a viable son-maker, they wed, and she gives birth to Edward VI. Henry falls ill and dies in 1547, leaving young Edward the throne. But at 15, Edward gets really sick, and on his Protestant death bed knows he absolutely can't leave the throne to his half sister Mary because she's a Catholic (and a bastard), and Elizabeth is also a bastard now since Henry had her mom beheaded and he married someone else. So, naturally, he leaves the throne to his cousin Lady Jane Grey, a Protestant. He died in 1553, so Jane gets crowned, but she's only queen for 9 days before getting beheaded because there was this big commotion among English Catholics wanting Mary I to be queen. All well and good.


Mary becomes queen, burns tons of Protestants at the stake, causes this whole fuss with wanting to marry Philip II of Spain, and after a false pregnancy realized she had to name her half-sister Elizabeth as her successor—much to her Catholic dismay. Mary then died in 1558, and Elizabeth became queen. WHEW.


Now we all know Queen Elizabeth I ruled for a long ass time, and was the first queen of England, which did not make a lot of men happy (teehee). Elizabeth did not want to marry because of a few choice events during her adolescence that made her suspicious of male advances, considering they would try to take control of the English throne. So she was basically like "England is my husband" and everyone was like "what" and she was like "yeah." She had favorites, of course, especially a dude named Robert Dudley, but that eventually fizzled out. She was also engaged for a day then was like "wait never mind." BUT, there was obviously the major issue of an heir. In comes Mary Queen of Scots.


This Mary was Elizabeth's cousin through her father's side, and she had a strong claim to the throne since she was a Stuart and all. After Mary basically got booted out of Scotland because the growing Protestant presence was like "out with thee!", she begged for Elizabeth's protection, which she gave—kind of. If you saw the Mary Queen of Scots film with Margot Robbie and Saoirse Ronan, you'll have seen these events unfold; Elizabeth kept Mary prisoner for over a decade, then once she found out Mary was conspiring with fellow Catholics to try and take the throne, Elizabeth did what only her father would do—have her beheaded. Eventually Elizabeth died childless, and Mary's son James I became King of England and Scotland. Big deal.


Do you see why I had to make a post about this? SO much happened, and of course I only mentioned the juicy bits. There were wars, battles, and all sorts of ballyhoo amongst the English and Scottish as the country became more divided between the Catholic and Protestant faiths. There is much to be learned by looking back throughout history across the world; patterns emerge, religion becomes the basis for rivalry, and monarchs go head-to-head to keep their thrones. It's all wildly fascinating, and I look forward to making more posts about "crazy shit that happened."


While you wait, take a look at the documentaries I watched that inspired this post:





 
 
 

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