I was listening to The Skinny Confidential podcast yesterday with their latest guest, Katherine Schwarzenegger-Pratt (I'll note her as SP throughout the post because that is a long surname). She's coming out with a new book on forgiveness which tracks various stories of people on their own forgiveness journeys, and mentioned how forgiveness is so variable and personal, that not all people are able to forgive certain transgressions—and that's OK.
For some of us, we may understand that. How could someone forgive say the drunk driver that ran into your grandmother, thus ending her life? How could someone forgive the partner they thought they loved entirely, only to find out that said partner cheated multiple times after years of being together? Then we think of the "smaller" things: your best friend gossiped about you behind your back, or started hanging out with your ex without telling you. Your boyfriend forgot about your birthday and had instead made plans to go out with his friends to a basketball game. In comparison to the above examples, those may not seem as "severe" or life-altering, but for others it can completely erase trust and cause immeasurable suffering. It all depends on our perspective, how we process information, and what values we hold for ourselves. But what if we want to forgive, but simply can't get there?
There have been plenty of bullies from my childhood who I still have trouble forgiving. SP said in the podcast that forgiveness doesn't have a set timeline; there is no "right" or "wrong" time to forgive—if ever. She mentioned that you can be making progress in forgiveness then perhaps experience emotional pain again and need to take a step back, and that's OK. The important thing is to be kind to yourself and not beat yourself up about "not letting it go"; if you feel hurt, allow yourself to feel that hurt. No one can tell you you're not in pain. We do what we need to do to help relieve it, but the steps to help relieve it differ from person to person.
For myself, when thinking of the bullies from my childhood, I try to remind myself that even though it hurt to be treated poorly by them, I have grown immensely since then and have been through worse. But the pain is still there, like a scab that refuses to heal. Instead of being upset at myself for not just moving on and letting "bygones be bygones", I acknowledge my pain: "What happened to you when you were younger may be in the past, but if it still hurts, it still hurts. Feel through it, and allow yourself to deal with it how you need to." I don't know if I'll ever truly forgive them, but I can say that the pain feels duller than before. Maybe it'll remain a dull pain—a pesky scab—but I know I have so much in my present life to be thankful for and focus on.
Wherever you are in your forgiveness journey, be kind to yourself in the healing process. You are in no rush for any particular destination, you simply need to do what's best for you and your emotional well-being. Take a listen to SP on the TSC podcast episode and see what you think; it's informative, helpful, and opens up the idea of forgiveness being pressure-free (your partner/best friend/family member begging you for forgiveness).
I hope this post brought you value. Take care of yourselves.
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