I never spoke in class growing up. If you were similar, everyone would point you out as the "quiet girl/boy" who only spoke when the teacher called on them. Since I was given this identity, I thought I had to stick with it; I became what others said I should be. I was afraid to speak, laugh, yell, or cry because that didn't go along with the identity of the "quiet girl." I became so used to silencing myself that even if I was in pain, I kept silent. I didn't dare draw attention to myself and reveal my identity as other than "quiet."
I was like this for years. I still am, in some ways. I've grown greatly since going to university and then grad school, but generally people would describe me as reserved. I'm not one to burst out with personality upon first meeting someone; it takes me a little while to open up. I still carry with me that vestige of self-loathing where if I don't act like how I was treated throughout my childhood, then I'm "betraying" some part of myself. It's taking a lot of work trying to undo this; I feel this deep anxiety rooted in my sense of self every time I do something non-congruent from "quiet." Laughing, yelling, crying, cheering—all of these make me want to shrink back in embarrassment from letting out any sort of noise. But I've been doing exercises to help me break away from this.
I write daily, either here or in my journal. I affirm my qualities and remind myself that I'm a human being capable of feeling across the spectrum; to conceal my reactions and voice is unhealthy and will only cause more distress. My acting classes have helped greatly with this because I'm forced to yell, hoot, holler, cry, shout, laugh, and so on to make the scene realistic. Realistic. Expressing yourself is realistic; expression is human.
I think back to quiet Zoë in school who was so unsure and insecure in herself, and I wish someone had told me it was ok to use my voice. My parents of course were always very supportive of me and made sure I felt loved, but amongst my peers, I felt very isolated. I know maybe writing about these experiences don't exactly help me move on from them, but I'm hoping that posting these stories helps someone out there who felt the same way. I felt very alone in my experience, and I don't want anyone else to feel that way. There are so many shared experiences that we're unaware are common because so few people talk about them, and I want to give at least one voice to feelings of isolation and rejection.
What I want you all to know is that it gets better, but only if you make it so. Get the help you need if you feel yourself trapped in an endless loop of self-doubt and self-loathing; professionals are here for you and want you to live your best life. Talk to your loved ones, voice how you're feeling—you don't know how powerful it is to simply talk about what's going on in your head. Make your healing a priority so you can attract all the good into your life, and build up strength for when the bad moments happen (they're a part of life, so it's best to prepare yourself).
You are worthy of love, your dreams, the life you envision for yourself—it's all possible. It's all here.
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