Growing Up in a Non-Nuclear Family: A New Normal

A nuclear family is typically defined as a family consisting of a mom, dad, and 1-2 children, give or take. In the media, the portrayal of a family that is non-nuclear is seen as not normal, an outlier, or "sad"—depending on the context. The parents who split up; the new stepparent making an appearance; half or step-siblings are all symbols of family dysfunction and/or trauma. I am here to say, in my personal experience, that growing up in a non-nuclear family was not a detriment to my development and mental health, and that a non-nuclear family is not as uncommon as the media tells us.

I have had two stepdads, and out of my 5 siblings, 3 of them have a different father than me. I have never once viewed my half-siblings as lesser than a "full sibling." My brother and sister who share the same mom and dad as me are viewed the same in my eyes as the two sisters and one brother who don't share the same father as me. The littlest ones, the 3-year-old twin girls, are so beyond loved by their older siblings and treated as our sisters, not "half" or "sort of" sisters. They are our sisters, plain and simple. My current stepdad has been in the picture since 2008, and although we argue sometimes and don't always get along, he's been good to us, paid for our health insurance, and is fun to laugh at. My biological dad helps out all the time with the twins, sometimes even babysitting them if I can't. He was the photographer at my mom and stepdad's wedding. My family gets into fights like any other family, but we have in no way suffered by being a non-nuclear family.

A totally non-creepy looking family portrait. I didn't want to plaster some family members' faces on the internet, so to protect their privacy, I blocked their faces. All of my siblings are in this photo; two of them are standing next to me, Keely and Kel.

I remember one of my college roommates describing a movie she had seen recently about a boy who had half-siblings and said it was "really sad." Puzzled, I asked her why, and she said something like, "Well, the poor boy saw his mom and dad get divorced, then she remarried and had all these kids with a new husband. That must have been such a chaotic childhood." Enter my palm slapping against my forehead. Sure, some family split-ups can be nasty, angry, and impact everyone negatively - especially the children. But not all family split-ups have to be horrible. When my parents split up when I was about 8, I was so relieved. They were always fighting, and now that they lived in two different places, the fighting practically stopped. I still got to see both my parents during the week; I still got to go to the same school and keep all my friends; my siblings and I weren't dragged to minors counsel to figure out who we wanted to live with; it was all civil and peaceful from what I can remember. My parents took good care of us and made sure their divorce didn't negatively impact us, and for that I'm forever grateful.

It's great if you're in a nuclear family, and it's also great if you're in a non-nuclear one. One isn't better or worse than the other, it's just different. It's so common to see families with stepparents and step-siblings, half-siblings, and so on—that the nuclear family isn't as mainstream as it once was. My fear is that people in non-nuclear families will be judged or pitied for having divorced parents; half-siblings; stepparents; etc.—we can't help the decisions our parents made, and hopefully those decisions were for the best. I for one am happy my parents divorced; I couldn't have taken a decade+ more of constant bickering—and I'm sure there are many of you out there who can relate!

The beauty of today is that there are a variety of family types with same-sex couples; a stay-at-home or single dad; a mom who got out of a bad marriage and is focusing on herself and her kids; and couples who don't want kids at all—we're all so different, and so varied, that to look at someone's non-nuclear family as "sad" is unjustified. Just because divorce can be sad, doesn't mean every divorce is. If my parents are happier not being married to one another, then I'd much prefer that for them and their well-being. Thanks to my mom getting re-married, I now have two new-ish little sisters who have added an indescribable amount of joy to my life—how could that be "sad"?

Remember this: never let anyone make you feel damaged or pitiful for being in a non-nuclear family. If you do feel damaged from your parents' divorce, separation, or what have you, talk to a therapist; you deserve healing, and pain over family matters can be the most painful. Seek the help you need and remember that your feelings are valid. I hope this article helped encourage fellow non-nuclear family members to not feel "bad" about being in this type of family; it is what it is, and that doesn't change who we are as human beings.