2019 was...interesting. It started out with getting rejected from every PhD program I applied to (only 5, but still); being mistreated by a guy; having to decide to stop pursuing another guy I really liked soon after because I knew it would be a mistake; other personal stuff that was having me crying almost daily; and so on and so forth. I felt like I couldn't catch up, that I was spiraling into the drain of self-doubt and low self-esteem, and I knew this all had to change. This feeling was horrible, and not long ago I had been a kick-ass grad student in London—so I knew I could get to that power mindset again. I just needed to make some changes; BIG changes.
I started going back to therapy, which was major. My therapist listened to me, offered points of view that helped me gain clarity on many situations, and reminded me that I don't have to have my life figured out at 25. After a few months of therapy and journaling, I started taking acting classes. It was something I had always wanted to do but was too scared, embarrassed, and unsure about myself to try. I did it anyway. Since then I've continued with these classes and, even though I don't think I'm particularly good at it, I don't completely suck—so that's something. I love watching my classmates perform, I love learning how to perform, and it's so fun getting a new script and delving into your new character. It's such a blast and gets me out of my head and into something creative while also making friends and gaining more confidence—a triple win.
After the first few months of acting classes, I started this very blog—something I had been debating at least since 2014 but always felt, again, too scared, embarrassed, and sure about myself to try. I did it anyway. That was back in August, and I'm still here. I'm still writing and thinking of new topics that will benefit someone out there on a similar path to mine who wants to know they're not alone in how they feel. And even more exciting, I've launched my own YouTube channel to go along side my blog to reach a wider audience. I have SO many ideas coming for the channel, and I can't wait for you guys to see and tell me what you think. At the end of the day, I'm doing this for you all, because I know I would have loved finding something like this YEARS ago to help me see that my path wasn't so lonely.
Since being rejected from the PhD programs, I've gained clarity in understanding that, at least at this point in my life, a PhD is not for me. With what I want to do in my life (having a steady career, having a loving relationship that will lead to marriage, starting a family), doing a 5 year degree with an iffy chance at landing a good teaching position afterwards doesn't sound supportive of that life. I admire everyone who is or has done a PhD, that shit is HARD. But for me and what I want to do and what I've found out about myself within this past year, that degree is not on my immediate path. I'm listening to what my heart and the universe is telling me, and the message is to keep doing what I'm doing.
I'm so proud of myself for all I've done this past year to get back to the positive, growing, and healthy person I was back in college and grad school when my self-esteem was at its highest. But now, really thinking about it, my self-esteem feels even greater now. I've accomplished so much since earning my degrees, and it's all been internal. Thanks to therapy, the support of my family, and my closest friends—I've found my way back to a clear path worth walking. I don't know what I would have done without all that support; all these people truly saved me. It's an important reminder that we can't do it all alone, we need to lean on those around us who love us and want to see us succeed. My parents help me more than I could ever thank; my siblings always lean a shoulder to laugh or cry on; my closest friends listen with open ears and arms; and I always feel like there's someone here for me. That is a huge privilege, and one that I will never take for granted.
I hope this post helps you see what you're capable of. We all have the power to change what we don't like in our lives, and a huge part of that is getting help. Help from a therapist, a parent, a friend—we're a social species grounded in tribe mentality, and the tribe is here to help us live. Once you get that help, go out and join that club you're scared to join but always wanted to. Go to that audition and give it your best shot. Ask that cute girl out. Apply for that job in New York. Start a blog about your love of lagomorphs. Launch a YouTube channel showing off your knitting skills. Hell, go buy that dress at Zara that you want to show off at a nice restaurant with your best friend while you sip on overpriced cocktails. Find the things in your life worth chasing, and go for it.
Take care of yourselves, and thank you for reading.
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