How to Deal with Family Drama

Every single family has their own shit. That sounds bleak at first, but to me, it's comforting knowing that I'm not the only one with family problems (and mine certainly aren't the worst). Whether it's the "perfect" family down the road with the husband who's having an affair with his personal trainer, to the abusive parent taking out their drunken rage on the kids—every family has problems. Families could have the uncle with a drug addiction; a grandmother who's sick; or your parents are going through a nasty divorce. How do you keep yourself sane amidst all the stress, dysfunction, and hectic family get-togethers?

1. Talk to someone

Whether it's a therapist (which I highly recommend), or a close friend—confide your feelings to someone you trust and feel comfortable with. It's hard to confide in sensitive and private family matters, but sometimes it's necessary to unload all your feelings. When I would come home from college for vacations, I dreaded the continuous fighting and alcohol abuse. I spent countless nights silently crying in my room, wishing I could go back to school. But when I began confiding in my therapist for help, the pressure in my stomach and chest instantly released. I felt lighter; more resilient. Keeping my feelings crammed in my gut was doing damage to my well-being; if you're feeling overwhelmed with family chaos, have a heart-to-heart with someone close to you. You'll feel uncomfortable at first, maybe embarrassed, but it's better than stifling your tears at night from pent-up sadness and anger.

2. Speak up if you feel safe to do so

If you are not in immediate danger, talk to the family member(s) who are causing the dysfunction in your life. If your stepparent is constantly demeaning you, talking down to you, and generally treating you like shit—confront them about it. If you feel safer telling their spouse (your parent) first so you can have an ally, do so. If your parent doesn't believe you/the stepparent denies it, talk to another family member who can help. Mention it to a sibling or cousin, ask them if they've noticed mistreatment at the hands of your stepparent, and tell them how it's affecting your well-being. I know it feels wildly uncomfortable and scary, but it is so worth it to try to fix the situation. I confided in a family friend and they immediately came to my aid; it was a relief beyond comprehension. You need allies; you need support. It is there if you seek it out.

3. Separate yourself if possible

Whenever I felt trapped at home when the fighting would start, I would at least stay in my room and lock the door. I would try to stay out of it as much as possible to avoid the emotional stress; for the most part, it worked. The fighting could still be heard through the walls, but if I stayed physically away from it with a book or movie, I would feel a bit of ease. It's of course better to get out of the house entirely, but sometimes that's not possible. You may not have transportation or money to get out for a while, so if that's the case, stay in another room separated from the drama. Being physically out of it is immensely helpful.

4. Cut off toxic family members

If you haven't read Educated by Tara Westover, do so immediately. She details her childhood in an extremely conservative Mormon family where she was abused by one of her brothers, and goes into her complicated relationship with her parents. Not everyone has her same upbringing (thank god), but we again all have our own childhood traumas. If there is one or more family members who are either a danger to you or cause you emotional stress, stay away from them. Cut off contact entirely.

5. Work on you and your goals

When I would hear the screaming and fighting, I'd journal all my plans for the future. "This is not my future", I'd write, "My present reality is not my forever reality." I would write which schools I'd attend; the job I'd have to support myself; the friends who I'm thankful for; and so on. Even if I was crying and feeling overwhelmed with my home life, I would write down every positive thought I could think of. I would detail my future life, from the type of couch I'd lounge on to the tea I'd be sipping in bed. My commute to work, the essays I'd write, the people I'd meet—I'd detail it all. Every single thought was a good distraction, and kept me from spiraling into a deeper depression. Reading my encouraging ramblings every day was a savior, and looking back on them now, I'm so happy I developed this coping mechanism. I don't know what I would have done without a simple pencil and sheet of paper.

In the end, remember that your family's drama does not define you. Let the drama fuel your desire for a better life—full of positive problem solving and open communication. The present reality of your family's drama is hard to separate from—especially if you're living at home—but remind yourself that everything comes to an end. This shit reality will come to an end, and open to something better, which will grow and change itself. I promise, everything will turn out for the best, even if right now it feels like it never ends. You'll get that job, get accepted to that school, sell that idea—be your biggest cheerleader and lean on your friends for help. I believe in you.