The majority of us don't want to confront our innermost problems because we either 1) don't want to confront that pain, or 2) we don't even realize that these problems exist, and that they're causing unhealthy patterns in our lives. As someone who's been in therapy before for anxiety and depression, I had the opportunity to confront some of these problems head-on with a mental health professional. My therapist laid out the reality of my situation without judgment so I could see that what I was doing/thinking was causing a lot of harm in my life. Without this insight, I wouldn't have seen the habits in my life that were causing me to feel bad about myself and make poor decisions. I am beyond thankful for that help, and for that reason I know that having insight into our own patterns of behavior can lessen the burdens we put on ourselves. But how do we do it?
The obvious first choice is, ladies and gents, therapy. Depending on where you live, talk to your doctor/health care provider about your options and costs. Mental health is now treated with much more awareness and seriousness as our physical health, so don't lessen the urgency of treating emotional pain. If you've gone through therapy and still want to check-in with yourself on patterns in your behavior, try these methods and see how they help:
Find some alone time in a quiet space with this behavior in mind. Let's say this behavior is always choosing to date complete douchebags. These men never want to commit; they only text you at night; they never want to hang out during the day; they expect you to drop everything to come and "hang out" at their place; etc. Maybe you're pulling your hair out from the madness of it, and think to yourself: "Why do I always end up with these guys? Can't I just meet a good guy for once?" Think to yourself: what attracted (or still attracts) you to this guy? Did he have a certain attitude or appearance? Did he treat you a certain way that was familiar?
I was one of these (straight) women in the same position. I had to sit down and really think about my decision to go after these men, and it was a realization that I knew was there but didn't acknowledge at the time: I truly don't want to settle down yet, so I choose men who also don't want to commit. I also don't have a strong sense of self-respect, so I choose men who don't respect me. It all made sense, but I didn't want to face it for so long. Once I came to this understanding within myself, I started to think about why I didn't want to commit, and things I could do to love myself more.
Not wanting to commit traced back to my belief that romantic love "never" works out, and that marriage to me was "pointless" because it would "end in divorce." I started questioning these beliefs through journaling; I started watching videos on relationships and dating; and I looked at the marriages I saw in my life that were-long lasting and happy. It is still an ongoing process, but one I'm making progress in daily so I can be more open to a relationship with a quality guy.
In the "loving myself more" category, I started with the simpler—yet also difficult—task of talking more kindly to myself. Instead of thinking "you're never going to find any success in your life", I switched to, "I am working hard every day to reach the idea of success I have for myself." This happened slowly with all of the negative thoughts crawling through my head, ranging from my abilities to my personality and appearance. I started taking more time for myself to do things I liked, such as watching a historical documentary; writing; reading a new book from the library; or simply cleaning my room. I took more care of my appearance, like making sure to wear actual trousers instead of sweats when I left the house; and I applauded myself after a hard day's work instead of telling myself I "could have done better."
It takes a lot of hard work to undo harmful behavioral patterns in our lives. This is the main reason we tend to let these behaviors go on for so long; it's easier to just keep doing what we're doing instead of doing the inner work necessary to live a happier, more fulfilled life. It can be daunting as all hell, but as someone who's walking on the other side of unhealthy choices, I can tell you it's well worth it.
If you need help gaining insight, go see a therapist, counselor, psychiatrist, whoever—so you can get started. Having an outsider with no agenda tell you the facts is a major help in getting you to see the reality of your choices. Once you've had that initial look into your behavioral patterns, start doing more of the inner work on your own outside of the therapist's office. Read on topics you love; spend time in places that bring you happiness, whether that's a beach, trail, bookstore, or mall; make more time for your friends and family; exercise more; any little thing that can get your mind and body moving, and grateful for who you are as a person. Every single one of us has our own inner-struggles, and every single one of us has the ability to work on those struggles. Not for the purpose of being "perfect", but for the simple purpose of being more content with who we are and what we give to the world.
I hope this post has brought you value. Know that you are worthy of love, acceptance, and all the good that life has to offer.
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