How to Thrive in Old Environments as a New You

When I left for grad school in London, I was overwhelmed with excitement for the opportunities ahead of me. I pictured walking through Green Park on a rainy afternoon munching on a pastry from Caffe Nero; going to one of my favorite pubs by the Thames to read my coursework and flirt with the barista; and going to the National Gallery as much as humanely possible. I grew in ways that I couldn't imagine, and barely recognized my high confidence level by the end of my MA program. Then I was an au pair in Paris for about a year before returning home, and this is where the new me was finding it challenging not to return to old behaviors.

If you're familiar with my blog, you know that I've struggled with anxiety and depression since childhood (although I wasn't officially diagnosed until I was 17). The home where I live now is where I battled some of the worst feelings of anxiety and depression I had ever felt. I remember the nights I spent crying in my room not being able to sleep because I kept having panic attacks; I remember the living room I sat in watching Desperate Housewives on repeat to prevent myself from facing my anxious thoughts; I remember the feeling of self-hatred as I walked out of the house and saw classmates from school around the area, laughing and happy, who were seen as attractive and popular. It was an awful time, but through therapy, medication, and consistent effort—I climbed out of it. I went off to my dream school and earned my BA in art history, and the rest is history. But now that I'm back home, as many millennials are, I need to be careful not to slip into my teenage habits of seclusion, depression, and complacency.

When I find myself lazing about and not knowing what to do with myself, I'm careful not to watch a television show for hours on end to pass the time. It puts me right back in that mindset of depressed teenage me, so I adjust. I listen to podcasts on self-development and career building; I write for this blog that I've loved growing; I'll look over scripts for my acting classes; I'll go out with a friend—I do as much as I can not to slip back into depressive habits of seclusion and laziness. It can be hard on the bad days, but once I've done something productive, I'm proud of myself for having pushed through.

If I'm in an area that is a trigger for my anxiety, like the local cafe where a lot of my high school classmates hung out, I take a deep breath and remind myself of who I am: "I am Zoë Paris. I graduated with honors from my dream school, and attended another dream school in London to earn my MA. I stuck through an awful job in order to learn French, now I can speak it almost fluently. I'm taking acting classes which have been building my confidence more than I expected, and I'm finding new creative parts of myself I didn't know existed. I am a sister; a daughter; an aunt; a woman; a human being. I am stronger and smarter than I give myself credit for. You've got this." This usually helps me feel like a badass and strut into that cafe like I own the place.

The main point I want to remind you of is this: you are in charge of your actions. If you find yourself in an old/toxic environment after experiencing rapid personal growth, constantly take action to remind yourself of that growth. It can be easy—even tempting—to slip back into old habits of the old you. But I encourage you to do something, any little thing, that helps remind you of who you are. Maybe walking in nature helps you; writing at a local library; going out for coffee with a friend; taking a class on a topic you know little to nothing about—whatever it is, make sure it calls to the new, present you, and not the old one.

If you're finding it too challenging to cope being back in an old/toxic environment after your growth journey, talk to someone; a friend, family member, therapist—tell someone how you're feeling and who can offer guidance. Reach out to those who care about you; they want you to be your best self, trust me. The ones who love you most want to see you thrive, and will be there when you need them. There is always someone here to talk it out with.

Good luck to anyone on their personal growth journey; I believe in you. Take care of yourself.