I'm Taking an Acting Class to Help With My Anxiety

I think a majority of us have grown up with one or more characters on screen whom we fell in love with, whether 'romantically' or as the person they were written to be. My dad raised us with Harry Potter movies (and the books, of course), and eventually introduced us to Monty Python and the Holy Grail (which is objectively the best comedy film ever made) and Quentin Tarantino's mass oeuvre. I have such vivid memories of sitting in the movie theater with my dad and younger brother and sister and feeling so connected to the characters on screen. After seeing Spy Kids, I decided to become a 'robot child' for the rest of the evening; barely speaking, and mimicking the actor's movements like a psycho. I figure most if not every kid does this; it's part of being a kid, you play, imagine, become—it's all fantasy and imagination that helps us form and develop into who we are.

Fast forward to high school, more so junior and senior year. I started having severe panic attacks (we're talking numb limbs that basically paralyzed me; wild heart palpitations; feeling like I was actually going to die; etc.) following the realization that high school was coming to an end and I soon had to figure my life out after graduation. I went to months of therapy; was prescribed antidepressants and 'rescue' meds to stop the onset of a panic attack to help calm me down; and missed two full weeks of school when these attacks were at their worst. To make matters worse, I wasn't happy at school. I was the definition of a wall flower, except this wall flower was invisible to everyone around her. I'm pretty sure 10 people in my grade knew who I was. I never spoke in class unless called upon by a teacher. Group assignments were my worst nightmare, since everyone paired up at once, while I was left sitting alone and the teacher would have to ask a group to let me join them. My confidence was non-existent; I hated my looks; I felt stupid compared to everyone else; all terrible things. But it got better.

Fast forward to now. I hold an MA in art history from University College London; I lived in Paris for 9 months and now speak French; I've traveled to four countries and didn't have ANY panic attacks while doing so; and am now figuring out the next step in my career. I'm hovering between pursuing a PhD in art history to become a professor (my original plan), and...becoming an actor. Total spectrum shift. Let me explain.

In reference to my love of movies as a kid, I had this desire to act and be in films since then, but I was terrified of fame and what happened to child stars (drug addiction, alcoholism, etc.). I was scared of being a successful actor because of the costs that came with it: much less privacy; a loss of anonymity; pressure to look a certain way; pressure to always say the right thing or else it'll be misconstrued and plastered all over celebrity news outlets; and all this seemed like a major drawback. But I still loved putting myself in the character's shoes—wondering what it was like to read a script, train to become someone else, and make that story translate through the camera. It wasn't until May of this year that I decided to actually take an acting class to see if this was something worth pursuing after all these years of avoidance.

I audited a beginning acting class at an actor's studio in Orange County, CA. It was everything I expected an acting class to be: making weird noises; flailing around; hollering and yelling to warm up your voice; and crawling around on the floor (I had to pretend to be a fawn). I was so uncomfortable, and I loved it. I absolutely loved it. I had never done anything like this since I was a kid, when social conditioning didn't have me terrified to act foolish in public. I was playing, simply playing. I was using my imagination in a way that I hadn't used since those days when I pretended to be a robot child from Spy Kids. I felt free. I signed up for a summer acting class that same week.

Now mind you, I'm still an anxious person (I don't go in the sun because skin cancer). I fear being around groups of people who I don't know (unless I'm intoxicated). I generally stick to where I'm comfortable and push myself when it's convenient or necessary (as in having to speak French to a local Parisian bartender because I'm lost as f*ck and can't find the Musée d'Orsay). I generally don't speak unless spoken to in fear of rejection. So being in a class where we have to project our voices in weird and unflattering pitches; keep eye contact with your scene partner; and PERFORM in front of your classmates sounds terror-inducing. But, strangely, it was the exact opposite. I thrived in class. I was nervous, sure, but it was more exciting than anything. I was acting! Acting! I was learning how to read a script; how to connect with my scene partner; and generally how to bring the scene to life. It was everything in my childhood made real.

In each class, I had to be someone else. But in order to become someone else in imaginary circumstances, I had to connect to myself first. And that was scary for someone who got anxious when she thought about who she was and what she wanted in life. It can still be a creative block for me in class; I find myself trying to 'act' instead of 'be.' And if I want to actually be good at this craft, I have to learn to be. I'm still trying to push past this anxiety, and I've been talking to my therapist about it. It all comes down to my self-confidence and strengthening it in general. This acting class has certainly helped with that; never before would I have had the guts to take a class so out of my realm of 'expertise.' It has nothing to do with art history. Nothing to do with travel and how to navigate a foreign city on my own. This was new territory. It is humbling, scary, and exhilarating all at once.

I highly, HIGHLY recommend to take a class/do an activity that is out of your realm of knowledge and/or comfort. For me, that's an acting class. For you, it could be a Japanese class; going to a restaurant for dinner by yourself; apply to a job that scares/excites you; buy a clothing item that is outside your style; little things that push you outside of the comfort that we grow so used to and perhaps hold onto too tightly. For me, as someone who's prone to anxiety and depression, pushing myself to be around people I don't know and doing things that put me at the center of attention is anxiety-inducing. So I have to make myself do it. I have to push past my fear. That method, for me, greatly helps to reduce my anxiety and show me that the worse that can happen is that I'm uncomfortable. That's it. And so far, this acting class has proved to be far more beneficial than I could have predicted upon clicking the 'register' button.

I'm not sure where this acting class will take me. I could do acting as a hobby for sure, but I'm also thinking of pushing further and trying my hand at acting as a side-hustle. Who knows, maybe you'll see me on the big screen being a robot-adult and cower on the street corner if you recognize me. Keep inspiring yourself. Keep facing your fears. You'd be surprised what you discover about yourself.