This week has been...rough. It started waking up with very random anxiety this past Monday: heart pounding, a general feeling of unease, and wanting to cry. "Did...did I have nightmares?" I thought, "There's no reason I should be feeling this way." My stomach was hurting, and I could barely eat breakfast. I didn't know what the hell was going on, but I kept telling myself it must have been bad dreams.
The feeling carried on into Tuesday. My heart kept pounding, and I didn't know why. "What on earth could it possibly be?", I said to myself as I did my breathing exercises, "I have a job, there's more than enough money in my bank account, I'm safe in my home, I have a family who loves me, I'm in acting classes, I have a fun blog—what is it??" I was so frustrated with my body. I felt like it was trying to tell me something and I didn't know what.
That night in my acting class (last night), after my scene partner and I finished our scene and the next group went up—I started to feel the all-too familiar tingling of the limbs. "Oh no," I trembled, "Please, not here. Not now." I tried to focus on my breath, and keep myself from spiraling. "I'm in a class where I feel safe. I've worked well on this scene and I'm proud of my work." But still, my heart kept pounding, and I felt the urge to run out of the classroom just like I did many times before in school. I decided to take my emergency anti-anxiety medication that I carry in my purse for these such occasions, and luckily they rarely happen. But I felt defeated somehow—like I couldn't figure out why my body was feeling this way.
At work this morning, it got worse. My boss was very upset with me, and I sobbed for the rest of the morning. It was the absolute last thing I needed, and I had been so excited to be there and see the kids I look after. It felt like the universe was against me, and I couldn't get myself to write a post for this blog because I felt so distressed. But now, after a long day of reflecting, I'm becoming more aware of the fact that 1. sometimes these feelings can really come out of nowhere, and 2. when these feelings do happen, I need to take the steps necessary to care for my mental health.
I took my little sisters to the library after work and did puzzles with them, read books, and practiced marching around the kids section as they giggled in the empty room. I got a haircut soon after and feel fresh and newly-elegant. I had a giant baked potato with sour cream for dinner, followed by an ice-cream sundae with The Sound of Music playing in front of my face. I allowed myself to cry throughout the day because it's human to do so.
My body is telling me something, and I'm listening. I'm making sure to get a good night's sleep by limiting blue-light before bed and keeping my room nice and cool before diving beneath the covers. I keep reminding myself to drink water and take deep breaths. I'm reminding myself of how loved I am, and that a bad week will never change how proud I am for all I have accomplished. A bad week doesn't mean I have a bad life.
I don't know why this is anxiety is happening, but I'm doing what I know helps so I can keep my mental health in check. In the meantime, I'm making sure to breathe, journal, talk to my family, and move my body. I'm planning on spending a good hour at a local park tomorrow to be around nature, feed the ducks (NOT bread because that will give them angel wings), and allow the sunshine to touch my very pale flesh. I'm going to spend time with those I love, and get outside of myself through caring for my little sisters and keeping busy.
Anxiety happens, and it's important to acknowledge when it does. I certainly don't like the feeling, and I hate that it's here—but I have to acknowledge that it's happening so I can take the steps to fix it. If I were to ignore it, it would grow, fester, and seep into my entire being sending me into a tailspin. If you're having a rough time with anxiety—random or not—know that I'm here with you. It sucks, but hopefully we have the tools to help us get through it. If you need to see a mental health professional, please go see one. PLEASE. Even if my anxiety does improve by next week, I'd like to schedule a visit with a local therapist just to check-in.
Take care of yourselves, and go eat some ice-cream.
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