Learning to Say "No"

I have a ~very~ difficult time saying "no." As someone prone to anxiety and thinking everyone hates me and wanting to people-please—telling someone "no" sends me off the edge. Standing up for myself is generally difficult, and it's been a work in progress learning how to do so confidently. So often I end up saying nothing—like during my au pair experience in Paris—and suffering emotionally from not voicing how I feel. Confrontation is like a cancer to me—and I still struggle to not view it this way.

Confrontation is a part of life; we all have to deal with it in varying degrees. We need to confront someone about how they're not treating you well; confront our roommate about not picking up after themselves; or confront our boss about quitting due to a hostile work environment. There are a multitude of scenarios in which confrontation can happen, or needs to happen. This is where I struggle.

I know when confrontation needs to happen, but it terrifies me to do it. It's like this impending doom looming over my head weighing on my entire body, and I feel like I'm going to be sick. I just can't get my words out to say "no", "I've had enough", "I quit", "I'm not tolerating this", and so on. Not to say I've never said these words, but they've been uttered on few occasions and in very heightened circumstances.

A few of these circumstances have been involving men I've dated, others have been with family, a few with friends. And each time I felt like I was going to pass out from anxiety; but if I keep it inside myself, I toss and turn all night long and feel a general sense of unease and have short, quick breaths. I have a guess as to why I have this reaction, and I need to work on it in therapy further to know how to best fix it. I want to have healthy confrontations that don't leave me apologizing fervently for standing up for myself, or feeling like I'm going to collapse.

Learning to say "no" and standing up for yourself is crucial for your well-being and general life skills. How will you make it in the world if you can't say the simple word "no"? How can you build yourself up to who you want to be if you don't set boundaries? These are questions I ask myself constantly as a reminder that it's OK and SAFE to know your worth; and as someone with anxiety, this can be difficult to believe.

I can tell you though that it's been a process with small wins here and there, and I'm slowly making progress. Do you have a similar feeling in regards to confrontation and saying "no"? Or is it totally easy for you? I would love to hear, as your girl needs some help in that department! Tell me either here in the comments or over on my Instagram @zoeparisblog.