Well, let's dive right into it.
I was prescribed anti-anxiety and depression meds starting at the age of 17 in 2011. I was suffering from severe panic attacks coupled with depression, and was overall—a complete mess. I couldn't go to sleep without feeling like my heart was pounding outside of my chest wanting to send me into another panic attack; leaving the house seemed like I was about to get shot upon stepping out of the front door; and the only thing that helped me numb the anxiety mounting in every vein was sitting in front of the T.V. Luckily, the meds starting working fairly quickly.
The first "rescue medication" I was prescribed was clonozepam, a type of tranquilizer, if you will (albeit mild, in my case). Within the first few minutes of swallowing it down my throat hole, I felt my entire body relax. I'm telling you, my arms, legs, and chest released into this warm, open state that I hadn't felt in weeks. My mind wasn't spinning with catastrophe thoughts; I could sit comfortably on the couch without feeling like I was about to die; and I could stand in line at the grocery store without sensing impending doom. It was truly miraculous, and helped me get back to school (that I had missed two consecutive weeks of at the time).
My psychiatrist coupled clonozepam with an anti-depressant called Wellbutrin. It takes roughly two weeks for anti-depressants to start working, so at first I didn't feel much different. But after that 14-day period, I noticed an odd shift in my behavior. I wasn't as sluggish; I felt more motivated to do my homework; I was crying far less than usual; and I had this general sense of "everything's ok." It was so bizarre for me to realize how just a little pill could make my anxious and depressed thoughts leave; like brain chemistry was an actual thing and not just something you learned about in psych class.
I stopped taking these medications after senior year of high school, thinking that I was in a stable enough place to "be a normal person again." Within 4 years, I was back to square one: feeling impending doom; heart beating outside of my chest; depression seeping into my bones and making me so exhausted that I could barely get myself to shower—I needed help. I went on a new anti-depressant, which didn't work and made me really anxious, so my doctor prescribed me a new one that I've still been taking to this day: Venlafaxine.
This anti-depressant has worked wonders for my mental health. Since being on this medication, 99% of the time I feel completely at ease. The only time I've had "bouts" of bad anxiety has been during very stressful situations that anyone would feel very anxious about, so I'd say the drug works miraculously. I'm generally more "chilled out", and don't have NEARLY as bad OCD habits like I used to have. Venlafaxine has helped stabilize my brain so I don't go into overdrive when it comes to my nervous system, and I don't sink back into depression—which I am so thankful for.
Coupled with self-reflection, knowledge of my triggers, open communication with my loved ones, and self-monitoring—I'm in a much better mental state than I was almost 10 years ago. I no longer take clonozepam daily, but I do have a prescribed box of it that I only take in "emergencies" (aka I feel a panic or anxiety attack coming on, so I take 1 pill to calm down). Medication truly saved me in conjunction with therapy; I know the medication would not have solved my problems if I hadn't gone to therapy as well. It was crucial for me to sit down with a mental health professional and talk about everything going on in my head, and if I hadn't—the medication would have only been like a band-aid to my anxiety and depression.
There is absolutely no shame in having to take medication for your mental health. You are not a loser, you're not "weak"—you are someone who is taking care of your health. If you were diagnosed with diabetes, you would take your insulin. If you had heart problems, you would take your cholesterol medication. And if you're experiencing a decline in your mental health, you take prescribed meds that will help you get feeling back to normal. You deserve to get better, and to do what you can to heal.
I'm guessing I'll be on anti-depressants for the long-term, considering I'm prone to anxiety and depression—and I'm ok with that. My medication helps me stay level-headed, calm, and out of the dark hole that is depression. Whether you're on these kinds of meds for the short or long term, know that it is OK to take them. You're not insane, you're not weird, you're no less deserving of love—you are a human being who is taking care of yourself.
So do just that.
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