My Inner Conflicts About Marriage

I was raised by a divorce attorney. A majority of our income, if not all, depended on my mom getting enough clients who wanted to end their marriage. Sad, but necessary, in our case. As we got older, my mom would recount stories of cheating husbands who left their wives who then had to work at Walmart because they had been a stay at home mom instead of building a resume; kids who were being thrown in the middle of custody battles; and divisive money arguments over spousal support. It always sounded like such a mess, and everyone seemed unhappy, even vengeful. This upbringing made me believe that marriage was something that would inevitably end bitterly, and at more cost to the wife or spouse who chose to stay home and raise the kids.

I told myself for years—as long ago as maybe 12 or 13—that I was never going to get married. "There's no way I'm marrying someone just so they can cheat on me later on", "I'm not giving up half my money to a man who didn't turn out to be the man I married", "I'm not any man's property", are just a few choice thoughts that have been running through my head since that age. I didn't ever believe that marriage would work out for me; I would end up heartbroken, broke, and disheartened knowing I had failed. But now, as I approach closer and closer to 30, I'm beginning to notice a shift in perspective. Granted, these thoughts still do run around in my head on repeat every time I think about the possibility of finding a serious boyfriend, but I don't want to feel like I'm somehow doomed if I decide to marry.

I see friends of mine who are married and I'm genuinely happy for them. They're with someone who they love deeply, can go on trips with, open up to about every dull detail of their day to their innermost feelings on life and mankind—and socially, they're more accepted and praised for their official partnership. Each wedding I've attended has been a blast, and I nearly teared up every time the bride would walk down the aisle looking so beautiful and happy seeing her soon-to-be husband waiting for her at the other end of the aisle. But for some reason, when I put myself in the bride's shoes, I feel this sense of impending doom like, "You're about to make the biggest mistake of your life. Do you think this man is actually going to be faithful to you for the rest of your lives? What if he turns out to be a complete psychopath later on?"

I want to change these negative thoughts towards marriage, but it's incredibly difficult. I keep flashing back to stories my mom would tell us of her clients, then I hear news on a daily basis of celebrities who've called it quits after only a few years of marriage. It's disheartening, along with this thought that if I'm married, I somehow become the man's property and am pressured to take his surname (my last name is Paris, no way I'm changing that). And part of me wonders, what if I marry someone, then some time later, I discover someone else and fall in love with them? That terrifies me.

I've been watching various Ted Talks on healthy relationships, love, secrets to a lasting marriage—anything to get me to rewire my brain to think more positively. I'd love to think of marriage as a loving partnership where both people grow together, not apart; and build a life together, along with having children (although I'm on the fence with that one). It would be nice to have that kind of stability, to come home every day to someone who chose to commit to you for years to come and accepts you despite your weirdness and insistence on washing your feet before bed. It sounds lovely, but also too good to be true due to my upbringing.

This post doesn't necessarily have an end, nor a lesson, but it's more of a reflection on this inner battle I've been having for years and wanted to know if anyone else felt the same way. Do you have trouble with the idea of marriage, despite wishing you wanted it? Do you not want to get married at all? I go back and forth all the time in my head and can't seem to decide if it's the right choice for me, my personality, and my life goals. I know I'm still very young, but the pressure to marry is growing stronger as I get older.

If anyone has any good books, articles, videos, etc. on this kind of topic, please let me know. I want to think about marriage more positively, and I don't know how to do it. Send this anxious pale person some help! Much thanks to you all.