Not Everything Goes as Planned, and It Could Be for the Best

When I began my MA program in art history, I had it set in my head that I would be an art history professor. I thought it would be so amazing to teach at a university, to publish my own work, to help students learn about this subject that means so much to me—it all sounded like a dream. Once my MA finished I took a year off to learn French in Paris as an au pair to make myself more desirable as a PhD candidate; I wanted to study French art history, so I needed to be at least reading proficient in the language. Then I returned home, applied to 5 PhD programs, made plans for a thesis and costs for moving—then was rejected from all 5 programs.

I felt so lost and defeated. "Well what am I supposed to do now?" I thought. "What was the point of all that schooling if I just ended up getting rejected from PhD programs?" For months I felt really low and lost my confidence; I kept telling myself that I must not be good enough for a PhD and would never make it as an academic. I then decided to meet with two former art history professors from my undergrad years to see if I could get some advice on applying again, and if this path really was right for me.

Both of them offered varying opinions on doing a PhD. One said I could "totally do it", that I was more than capable and have higher chances of being hired in a good academic position. The other warned me that doing a PhD can be very lonely, advisers on your dissertation could decide to leave like hers did, and a job isn't always guaranteed—especially if you were so focused on the academic side and not getting actual work experience. I felt torn, and again very lost. I appreciated their advice, but it only seemed to drive me further away from the right answer for me and my career path.

Every plan I had made seemed to be falling through the cracks, and I felt like I had no direction. I kept applying to art jobs across the country with no success; and was also rejected from several internships. I would cry to my therapist every week saying how I felt like everything I worked for was for nothing, that even though I love art history, it wasn't leading to any jobs. She reassured me that my education wasn't for nothing, and that setbacks are normal; she also reminded me how many other people my age are struggling to find jobs just like me. "You never know where this setback could be leading you," she said. "Try and look at the positives. Maybe it didn't happen this year so something else could happen."

I tried to listen, but I still felt lost. It wasn't until several months later when I started taking acting classes that I knew what she meant. I had been feeling very lonely and wanted a way to make friends, and this was the perfect solution. Everyone was creative, kind, eager to try something new—and I felt like I could easily mingle with everybody without feeling awkward or out of place. And better yet, I discovered a new hobby that I absolutely love. If I had been accepted to those PhD programs, I probably would have never tried acting, nor met the friends I have now.

Now that I've had about a year since being rejected from these programs, I've realized that the timing to do a PhD just isn't right. Maybe in the future, but not right now. I want to work a full-time job, have my own apartment, buy a car, and generate a solid savings account—I can't exactly do that as a PhD student. I want to start considering a long-term relationship with starting a family in mind, as well as planning to buy a house. I want to solidify my life and have more stability, and committing to another 4-5 years of school just wouldn't fit those plans.

I'm happy I've had this time for reflection so I have clarity over where I want my life to go. I feel better about having been rejected, because now I know that those programs aren't for me. Sometimes we simply have to give room for the universe to work in our lives without forcing things so vehemently; as long as we keep working towards something, do things that make us happy, and take care of ourselves, everything will fall into place. Our thoughts materialize, and my thoughts led the universe to give me space to think about my life and what I actually want.

I hope this inspires you to look at your own life and parts of it that didn't go as planned. Maybe you're like me and were rejected from school; or you lost your job; your relationship ended; anything that sets you off the track you thought you had laid out for yourself. When these setbacks happen, allow yourself to feel those feelings of sadness, frustration, and anger; once you let those feelings pass, give yourself the time to reflect on your new trajectory. Go outside; sign up for a new class; make time for your friends and family; and talk to a therapist if you need that extra help. Keep catastrophizing thoughts at bay while you figure out your next steps.

It all takes time, and the result of clarity is absolutely worth it.