We're all having a hard time. I feel like everything I write, create, or think about has to do with the coronavirus. I'm so tired of it; it consumes my mind all day. I'm afraid to touch anything in my apartment, and I'm especially terrified to go outside. Just last week I went to CVS to pick up a prescription and a few toiletries and I felt an anxiety attack coming on. Seeing the pharmacy completely closed off with saran wrap, all the employees wearing masks and gloves, and overhearing a woman close by saying she was just in the ER THE NIGHT BEFORE (why are you here?!!!)—sent my heart pounding.
I tried to get out of there as quickly as possible. When I got home I washed my hands, disinfected everything, then jumped in the shower and scrubbed myself down. Then I go on social media and see that groups of people all over the country are still going out together, disregarding social distancing protocols advised by the CDC. It makes my blood boil. I see this along with another news update that a 26-year-old was hospitalized with the virus; that a doctor or nurse died from it; and that more new cases are popping up. I feel so overwhelmed every day; like this virus is only getting worse, while millennials nationwide aren't taking this seriously.
I live with my sister and mom who are both part of the at-risk population for contracting serious complications if they get the virus. Anytime someone leaves the house, I have images in my mind of the virus entering the home and causing both of them to stop breathing in their sleep (not sure that that's how the virus works...anxiety thoughts, for sure). I worry about my grandparents who are both pushing 90 and have heart problems.
And then on the flip side, I get annoyed and frustrated as hell that I'm stuck in an apartment all day and night with 7 people. There's simply not enough space for all of us to feel like we have room to breathe. I can't make the content I'd like to give to my audience because I can't leave. I can't see my friends; go to my acting class (we have it on Zoom but I despise it); go to the store without hyperventilating—and I feel like such a jerk for feeling that way.
Doctors, nurses, and thousands of other healthcare workers are risking their lives every day to keep us safe—and then I'm having this internal battle at how frustrated I am for having to stay inside. Even though I know that this is the best thing to keep myself and others safe, I'm dying to go back to normal life and not scrub my hands raw every day. Then I have to remind myself that everyone's feelings are valid, and that we can't beat ourselves up for simply feeling. Every single person is feeling some variation of what I'm feeling: heightened anxiety, frustration, anger, sadness, restlessness, and so on. We're all experiencing this, every day.
If there's one thing I'm thankful for during this time (other than my family, obviously), it's being able to stay connected thanks to social media. The fact that I can still bond with my friends by sending funny memes and TikToks makes me feel just a little less lonely and lifts my spirits, and that I can still make content even if it's not exactly what I want to be creating. How lucky are we that we have that access? That we can check on friends and family all over the world?
This time is really sucky, but we have to allow ourselves to feel what we're feeling. Simply writing this blog post is therapeutic. You could write as well, or draw, do puzzles, clean your house, organize your clothes, learn TikTok dances with your siblings—whatever gets you feeling soothed. Let's do what we can to stay mentally well and feel connected to those we love.
And STAY. HOME.
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