Putting Yourself First in a Large Family

I have 5 siblings. Two of them only arrived about 4 years ago, and the eldest has his own family now in Arizona. My 20-year-old sister Keely is a college student, so she's away most of the time. Meanwhile, my dad, younger brother, and my mom and I all work together to help care for the two littlest ones. It can be exhausting, but we love them deeply, and want to see them laugh, smile, and enjoy their day. We take turns watching them at the park; I help my mom take them to a preschool prep class once a week; and when they throw tantrums we work together to make sure none of us go insane—it truly takes a village. But in a big family like this—and there are of course many a family with more siblings than this—how do you make sure you're still looking out for yourself when you have to step up as a caretaker?

I have to admit, it can be overwhelming caring for my two littlest sisters. I love them beyond anything I've ever known, and I still want to pull my hair out of my head when they both start screaming and crying because I won't give them hot Cheetos for dinner. Because I'm so much older than them, I feel a more motherly-instinct with them than with my other two younger siblings. I'm very protective over them and worry about them daily; any time I'm out with them I'm on high-alert for some hidden kidnapper or a drunk driver ready to hit us in the middle of the park. I want to be there to protect them, to comfort them when they're sad, and to hear their giggles when they're running through the park. But I also have to remind myself that I can't stay around them everyday forever—I have to think about my own future, especially my career and one day starting a family of my own.

I feel guilty when I think about leaving home. A large part of me stays because I want to help my family financially, help my mom with the little ones, and simply enjoy time with them. When I think of moving out of my parents' house, I feel this pain in the pit of my stomach, like somehow I'm abandoning them. My family is very much hands-on and helps each other out, so a part of me thinks that if I leave, I'm not helping anymore. I want to have a family one day, but then I think about my own family I grew up with and feel this guilt and sadness that I still can't shake. "What if your little sisters need you?", I think, "What if you become so consumed with work and fatigued that you don't put in the effort to see your family every week?"

I know these thoughts are mostly irrational, but it's painful for me to think of leaving my family who's so supportive of one another just so I can be on my own. It would be freeing of course, but I would still feel like I'm not fully participating in helping my parents and younger siblings. While I was away for 2 years in grad school and as an au pair, I felt enormously guilty for having the freedom to travel and live on my own while problems at home were mounting. I'd get calls from my mom crying about how overwhelmed she was with my little sisters and feel like the worst daughter in the world; "I should be there", I thought, "Why am I in Paris learning French when I could be home helping my mom?" I know it's unfair to myself to think this way, but it's how I feel, regardless.

This is something I'm still greatly working on; it's perfectly normal here in the U.S. to leave home, have a career, and start your own family—so why do I make myself the villain for wanting to do just that? For my fellow members of large families, do you ever feel this way? Have you overcome it? I'd love to hear your advice on the topic, because in this regard, I'm still very much sinking.

Here's to a better tomorrow, and for all of us to think about topics that hurt us and how we can heal.