Reflecting on 2019: Being Used, Going Back to Therapy, and Finding a New Passion

This year, like every year, has been a whirlwind of events both major, insignificant, and somewhere in between. I've dated a bit, invested in myself through therapy and classes, had ups and downs with family, and started this very blog. It's been a lot, and I have to say that this year didn't start getting good until later on, probably around the time I began this blog. I wanted to trace bits and pieces of this past year with you in hopes that we can reflect together and plan for greater things in 2020; it's a good thing to look at your choices, how you reacted to life circumstances, and who came and went during the past year to look at everything with greater wisdom, appreciation, and self-assurance.

In the beginning of the year, I started seeing this guy casually. He was older, was an entrepreneur, and I was attracted to his ambition and drive in his career (he also had a very cute dog). Due to his multiple businesses, he was understandably very busy, and I made the mistake of not speaking up sooner about what he was looking for. By the time I did ask him, and he said he still wanted to see me, I should have been looking at his actions instead. We rarely went out, and if we did, he remembered he "had a call" and we'd need to take our order to-go so we could go back to his place. He went from being very interested in me and affectionate, to distant and making me feel like I wasn't anywhere near a priority. Looking back on it, I know he was only using me for one thing, and I should have known better and trusted my gut. Things didn't end all that well, seeing as he ended things over text and refused to reply to my response up until I wrote him an email telling him how I felt. I'm sure he didn't care about my email or my feelings written in it, but I needed to stand up for myself; I had become so used to allowing men to use and walk all over me without asserting myself, and this was my way of standing up for myself—even if he didn't care. It mattered more that I said my piece, then left it at that.

Standing up for myself has always been a challenge due to low self-esteem, but I'm slowly learning how to validate my feelings and not allow someone to treat me poorly. It's been a painstaking and awkward process, but one that I'm proud of myself for doing; little Zoë never would have spoken up, and she would be so proud to see the progress I'm making. Using my voice is becoming easier, and thankfully that's been in part due to returning to therapy.

In a post written several weeks back, I talk about my experience with online therapy. I started using it mostly to deal with family problems, but also to sort out my feelings about this guy who was not making me feel like the woman I was working to become. My therapist was really sweet but also straightforward and logical; she helped me understand what is and isn't ok in terms of dating, and that I need to prioritize communication, seeing as that was my weak spot. I feared stating my feelings thinking that that would push him away, since that seemed to happen a lot in my past dating ventures. She assured me that communication is a healthy tool, and without it, pent-up emotions will damage my relationships across the spectrum. Without her, I don't think I would have been able to sort through that difficult time, and I came out of it with a greater sense of appreciation for who I am as a person, a woman, and someone who's doing their best every day.

Going back to therapy also got me through some more difficult family moments that I won't go into detail here. I found myself crying almost daily, I had no friends living near me, and I felt creatively starved. Even a trip to Paris in March with the family I nanny for didn't seem to boost my mood—it only made me feel worse. I was back in a city where my worst job took place, and I think I was experiencing a baby-amount of PTSD; I was in constant fear of running into my old host family who had treated me so poorly, and I found myself avoiding some of my favorite areas of Paris because I thought that that host family would be there. My therapist helped me through all of it, and had me look at the experience as in the past, and that their treatment of me was in no way reflective of me as a person. She helped me through my family problems by having me develop healthy coping mechanisms, alter my thought patterns, and encouraging me to journal. She guided me through career advice by assuring me that at 25, I was not expected to have it all figured out, and that I would have a better financial future. This therapy truly saved me, and helped me sort out so many feelings of self-doubt, depression, and hopelessness, that it is a night and day difference from the beginning of the year to today.

The major turning point for me this year has been enrolling in acting classes. Based on hearing my classmates' reasons for enrolling, I could see that most of us made the decision because it had always been an interest, and that we had been too scared to try it out. It felt incredible to connect to my creativity again that had been stifled and crushed over the past year or so; I was learning a new creative skill, being wildly uncomfortable in the best way, and finally made some new friends! As I continued taking classes, I noticed my inspiration to write had grown more and more fervent, and I finally took the plunge and started this blog. With each acting class grew at least 5 ideas for blog posts; a greater feeling of confidence; and a greater appreciation for actors as a whole (it is so fucking hard to act!). Acting has opened up a whole new world of creativity for me, and it is helping me see a new side of myself: I can be vulnerable, I can connect, and I can act like a total idiot and not die of embarrassment. My acting teachers are beyond talented, attentive, and encouraging to all of us; I have never seen any favoritism, and we are all treated with the same amount of attention and instruction. I can't wait to continue these classes and see where they lead me; who knows, maybe you'll see me play the ghost of an Irish peasant who died during the potato famine.

Without these acting classes, I honestly don't know how the rest of this year would have gone. I've made new friends, had genuine fun in every class, and learned that I do have a propensity for being vulnerable—which has helped me write honest and open blog posts in hopes that they'd help others. One of the friends I've made from my acting classes is a very sweet British girl named Amarpreet, and she has been such a joy getting to know. She's a bit older than me (but looks so young!) so she gives good life advice and perspective based on her experiences moving abroad and diving into self-development—and she has a fantastic YouTube channel! Without these acting classes, I never would have met her, so I'm doubly thankful for finding this acting studio and taking the plunge.

I'll be writing a post soon on my intentions for 2020 to go off of this post. I hope my ramblings inspire you to reflect on your own year and give yourself kudos for having gone through the tougher moments, as well as inspire you to make your own list of intentions for the new year. I know now with these acting classes, blossoming friendships, and this blog, that my happiness and confidence has tripled, if not more. I can't wait to see what this new year has to offer, and I'm excited for all of us to push ourselves out of our comfort zones and into a space of self-love and acceptance.

Cheers to you!