When Will I Truly Believe in Myself?

I've been struggling with irrational beliefs that still linger in the back of my mind when I'm working on bettering myself. These beliefs are likely caused by my anxiety, and they sound something like, "Do you think you're actually good enough to land a good-paying job?", "What if you get fired and everything you feared came true", "No matter how hard you try, you'll always be behind financially", and so on. I've become skilled at catching these thoughts once they pop up, and I do my best to rewire them to be more positive, but it is still so frustrating that these thoughts still come up. It has me wondering: when will I truly believe in myself?

This year has been filled with reading up on self-improvement, listening to motivational podcasts, and being kinder to myself in terms of how I talk to myself. I'm proud of the progress I've made, but I still find myself slipping back every now and then into negative thoughts and behaviors. When I catch these thoughts, like the ones mentioned above, I try to immediately label it as an irrational belief and replace it with a positive one. For example, if a thought pops up like, "You just don't belong anywhere and you won't find a career that'll provide you financial independence", I pause and think, "This is an irrational belief. I do belong. I will find a career that will provide me financial independence. If other people can do it, then I can, too." It's difficult, and sometimes I don't believe the positive thought, but it takes practice to at least relabel these pesky self-esteem lowering thoughts.

I have this problem where if one minor stressor or trigger comes up, I sink into my negative thoughts. It's maddening because I know I've done the work to make myself stronger against these triggers, but they still greatly affect me. Another example: if a family drama situation occurs, no matter how many times I've spoken with my therapist about it, I shrivel emotionally and let the stress get to me. It's like I'm imprisoned by these feelings, and I have to climb myself out bit by bit with the coping mechanisms my therapist taught me. I have to remind myself that the drama is not permanent; the fault is not mine; and I deserve peace of mind, even if that means upsetting someone else. It's difficult, but not impossible. It's a work in progress and I have to keep reminding myself of all that I've conquered before so I know I'm capable of overcoming drama like this.

When I think about my future in terms of my career path, I admittedly become very nervous. It's been almost 3 years since I've earned my master's degree, and I still haven't found my career-footing. I've been nannying since graduating, which has been a good way to keep earning money of course, but it's not what I'm meant to do. I grow nervous each month that passes when I'm not in some sort of field that my master's would lead me to, but I have to trust that everything will work out as long as I keep trying. Once I become complacent, then I'm doomed. I keep up with possible employment options; practice positive self-talk like above; and consume motivational content to remind me that I am worth my dreams. I am worth financial freedom; mental and emotional peace; a loving and healthy relationship; and more. After a life-long struggle with feeling like I'm not good enough, it can be a challenge to undo.

We all deserve to believe in our capabilities, and to remember all that we've accomplished that we don't give ourselves enough credit for. When you spend the majority of your life doubting yourself, it's going to take work to undo those thinking patterns—but it is beyond worth it. Imagine what we could do if we accepted the fact that we could.