"Why is it So Hard For Me to Make Friends?"

But really though: why?

This has been a conundrum for me since I was about 5 (when I was conscious of what a 'friend' was). I was a nervous child, so I didn't talk much. You could find me close to the teacher, "clinging to her leg", as my mom recalls. Vague memories of kids attempting to play with me still hang in my mind, but I don't think I accepted. I was too scared to interact; to be seen. This behavior carries on in subtle ways to this day.

To clarify: yes, I have had friends all my life. I had few, but they were worthy friendships that I have generally fond memories of (minus Kristen who called me 'worthless' in fifth grade). There was a consistent problem, though, of maintaining these friendships. My best friend changed seemingly every two years or so; it was over the course of one summer that the friendship would slowly decline until we were barely speaking. Soon I realized this was happening with most of my friends. Every summer, like clockwork, friendships dissipated as the next school year drew closer. And honestly, it was majorly caused by my not reaching out in fear of rejection.

Memories of me sitting quietly in every class—not uttering a single word in fear of rejection—stand prominently in my mind. No one knew who I was, let alone cared (people are too focused on themselves, I've discovered). I spoke only when spoken too. I thought anyone I did speak to didn't like me and was only talking to me because they felt sorry for me. What is with that?

I've had this odd self-esteem problem with feeling like I'm bothering someone if I ask them to hang out. Any time I thought about asking someone to come to the movies with me; go to the beach (lol to when I used to go to the beach); or come to my house and watch movies—I decided against it. It was like asking them to be around me was insulting; "why would anyone want to hang out with me?". I still have this mindset, and it's greatly affecting my ability to make and maintain friendships.

I gained more confidence throughout my undergrad years thanks to studying abroad, tutoring in the writing center, and meeting a dope human being who is now my best friend and wears cool blazers. But there are still elements of my childhood fear of rejection that prevent me from reaching out and making new friends. "What if they don't like me?", "What if they think I'm weird?", "What if they don't get my sense of humor?"

My MA program is the perfect example of this. I don't think I spoke to anyone for the first 6 months. The core course was the worst because everyone had to attend, so it was a room full of people who, in my mind, were judging me. I kept my head down, stayed close to the front near the professor (not clinging on the leg, thank god), and left promptly after lecture. Not a "hi", "how are you?", or "can I borrow a pencil?" left my lips for months. I was petrified of this room of smart, European students who went to better schools than I did, spoke more languages than I did, and overall appeared smarter than I ever believed I was. In order to avoid rejection, I rejected myself by keeping quiet and separated from everyone else. It's a surefire way to make sure you make no friends and come off as rude and standoffish.

It's a defense mechanism, but a harmful one. It takes me several months to open up to people. I avoid talking about myself as much as I can at the off chance I do talk to someone, so I don't seem self-absorbed. I never offer to meet up, because I'm terrified they'll say no, and I'll look desperate or sad for ever believing that they'd want to meet with me: a pale, quiet girl who wears the same outfit every day. Isn't that the worst way to feel about yourself?

I'm still working on this character flaw, so I can't give fool-proof advice on making strong friendships seamlessly. But what I can advise here is to know and understand your character flaws; by doing so, you can take action to change them. For me, my first action is to dissect these false beliefs about myself and to dispel them. It's difficult after years of making myself believe them, but necessary to have a better sense of self-worth. I practice daily doing minor things like starting a conversation with a cashier or offering a compliment to a stranger; both scare me but are safe enough in my mind to act and build confidence. I'm not committing to a friendship, just starting an interaction, which is like jumping off a cliff to me.

If you too struggle to make friends, assess what it is that makes you feel this way. Are you overworked and can't find the time to socialize? Did you move to a new city and don't know where to meet people? Or are you like me and lack confidence? The more you know yourself and your character, the more you can act on changing your social habits for the better. I gain more confidence every day by doing my daily interactions, and I hope that effect will snowball into me actually reaching out and establishing connections. If you're in a new city, go on meetup.com and find a group in your area to join—there's something for everyone, and it's free to join. If you're overworked, look how you're managing your time and see where you can squeeze in more social time, like in a work out class before or after work, or getting to know that nice coworker down the hall who's a father, too. There are ways for you to find opportunities for positive change; analyze your situation (write it down if that helps), make an action plan, and execute. I'm not saying it'll be easy, but it's better than sitting alone every day, friendless and wishing you could share life with good people around you.

Humans are social beings; we need friends to survive, evolutionary speaking. Friendships matter; connections matter. Even us introverts need to socialize and feel like we belong. To belong is to feel happiness and inclusivity, making the harder parts of life less so by having friends around us who are loyal and caring. Scary as it may be to put yourself out there and make a friend or two, it's necessary for your happiness and well-being.

It's a pain in the ass to understand and change your character flaws, but it's a must if you want to grow and improve yourself. You deserve friends; you deserve to feel accepted and belong. I still need to remind myself of this after years of negative self-talk. Know your worth and others will see it, too.