You can't see the truth when you're in a bout of fury. When we're angry, we immediately go into red-alert and feel our psychological fuse shorten like the wick on a firework—ready to explode at any second. Whether we had a terrible day at work, just spent over an hour on the phone trying to talk to an insurance agent, or sat in traffic for a majority of the afternoon—there is no excuse for treating people like shit just because you're angry.
When I find myself BOILING from anger, I take a mental step back and breathe. I immediately insert the perspective of the situation into my overall life: "Yes, this child is refusing to listen to me and keeps screaming. But it'll pass, the child will calm down, and the thing that will help the most is if I keep myself calm. If I lose it, the kid will lose it." This is just one example, and a common one for me since I look after a lot of kids on a weekly basis. I never lose my temper with a child—because they're a child. Tantrums happen, they won't listen all the time, and that's the simple fact of a developing brain. I of course feel angry when these things happen, but I don't let that emotion take over and manifest into yelling, screaming, or just being mean.
In a similar vein, don't lose it around those you care about, or who do a lot for you. I know it can be incredibly difficult dealing with parents who maybe don't see eye-to-eye with you, a sibling who is constantly combative, or a coworker who seems to have the life goal of making your life as hard as possible—but you cannot fly off the handle. Despite these people causing the anger, we really have no idea what they're going through, or don't have the right to yell at them. I sure as hell would never yell at my dad; I have no reason to anyway, but I can't imagine a scenario of yelling at him other than trying to get his attention from another room. He did help raise me, after all; he gives me a place to live rent-free; cleans the apartment; is there for me when I need him—I have no excuse for allowing my anger from perhaps a bad day to overwhelm me and make me think it's ok for me to scream at him. Ever.
I feel this way about employers and their employees, too. I've worked in offices, in retail, online, and as a nanny—so I don't have the experience of a more high-stress job like a lawyer or doctor where tensions may easily rise. But I can tell you, at least in my experience, nothing ever good came from a boss yelling at their employee over something petty just because they're in a bad mood. I've seen employees quit on the spot, quit within two weeks, file a complaint with HR—the whole thing. Verbal abuse is never ok. I don't care how bad an employee fucked up—screaming in their ear or to their face in a fit of rage is unacceptable. If your employee fucks up, speak to them sternly and clearly about the consequences of their fuck-up and to never allow it to happen again—no screaming or yelling necessary.
I have a couple reasons for this: 1. more than likely, that employee needs their job to...pay their bills? They want to do well. They want to keep their job. Unless you have a new job lined up and are trying to get fired (?), no employee wants to do something that could jeopardize their ability to pay rent. If a mistake was made, it was an honest mistake, but it should of course be dealt with appropriately by their superior. This employee should be told clearly and matter-of-factly what that mistake caused, and that it cannot happen again. They'll absolutely get the message, and they surely already feel pangs of guilt and embarrassment for having made such an error. But mistakes happen, and the last thing anyone needs is verbal abuse.
If you had a terrible day and you come home and start yelling at your partner for some minor grievance, does your partner deserve that? Just because you had a bad day that means you get to unload your anger onto someone? Especially someone you love? Talk about your bad day. Talk about your anger. Be honest about how shitty you feel and how you just want to scream. It is OK to feel angry; it's not ok to treat someone like shit because you're upset. We don't have a "getaway free" card just because we're pissed; people around us still deserve human decency and respect, regardless of your horrible day.
WHEW. Alright, just wanted to get that little rant off my chest. I really dislike when people feel like they can be dicks because they're angry—that makes me angry. And you know what I did with that anger? I wrote about it. A much healthier coping mechanism, I think.
Be safe during this virus-y time, and keep your cool.
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